Darthben’s Weblog

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here.  Quite a bit has been going on with me and in me.  This will probably come out very unorganized and babbling-like, but here is what has been going on with me.

Back in February, Irene and I went through something called Breakthrough-I guess it’s called a spiritual formation seminar, but that doesn’t sound jolting enough.  Breakthrough was an amazing transformation experience for Irene and I both.  In a way it was good and bad.  Breakthrough has helped me live above me defense mechanism, and above the shallow lies and above the controlled rituals that I had been taught was what I needed to be happy.  However, all those things that I was taught and picked up had become somewhat comfortable, so living real with myself is wonderful-and I would never go back to where I was before, but living real with myself is al challenging and risky, and it forces me to deal with hard truths.

Anyway, I sort of went to breakthrough as an act of desperation.  I had been at a point in my life where I felt hopelessly stuck in insanity and in nothing but status quo.  I had followed the rules of what people said I needed to do to be happy, like if you just read your Bible enough, and pray enough, do enough devotions, and if you do enough good things, then you will have peace with God and you will be happy.  But here’s the thing-I tried doing al those things-sometimes I did them well, other times I did not.  But even when I did them well I was not happy.  It really was the definition of insanity-doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In breakthrough and since then I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I learned that the God I tried to serve-or at least my perception of God, was very sadistic and cruel.  He never wanted me to be happy or succeed.  He only picked me up off the ground in order to trip me again.  I am learning to let go of this God, to let him die, and to draw close to the God who loves me, who knows I can’t be perfect and so sent his son to take care of it for me.  I am learning to trust this God, and not depend on my performance to secure my salvation.  I am learning to forget about my perfornance altogether and to just draw close to Father-the rest will come with time.

I also learned that I am very judgmental.  Actually, I feel like that what I was taugh it meant to be a Christian-you figure out what all the rules are, then you follow them, then you look down on everyone who doesn’t follow your lead.  But it’s not my place judge-it’s not my place to save.  I was told that I needed to judge the world-and that I needed to save those who did not stand up to my judgement.  Isn’t that trying to play God?  It is such a release to know that is not my responsibility.

I am learning that grace is an uncomfortable thing becuase we can’t package it, we can’t define it, we can’t say what its limits are, or who it will and will not extend to.  A lot of times we like to package grace and say you have to do this and this to get it, and if you do this and this you will lose it.  But grace is free-how can we obtain it, and how can we lose it?  How can we define it?  Yet I felt like I had to define it, because I felt like it was my responsibillity to find those who are outside of God’s grace and judge them, and then save them.  And I’ve found that it’s immensely difficult for me to want to save anyone I have judged.  If I judge them, I label them as bad, as evil, as ultimately disgusting, why would I want to save that.  But if I leave the judging to God and can see the truth that God is especially fond of each and every one of us.

So I am learnig a lot about myself, and I am trying to take the pressure off and just draw close to the Father in what ever way works for me.  Sometimes that means doing the “Christian thing” like going to church and reading the Bible-but often it does not.  It is difficult for me to go to church sometimes.  I want to, but so much of my struggle has come from the church.  So much of my struggle has come from formulated doctrines that really limit God, from people demanding that we all conform to each other, from a holiness message that many times ends up just being a nother way to make God happy with us.  But much of my joy has come from the church.  I guess it’s a love/hate relationship.  Forunatley I am part of a church who while not perfect, is the best expression of the kingdom of God that I have seen from a traditional local church.

So that’s some of what has been going on with me.  More later, maybe, we’ll see.