Darthben’s Weblog

Hey all, I am playing in a Battle of the Bands on Friday May 8th at New Hope Nazarene Church in Kansas City.  If anyone wants to come it’s only $5, and there will be 6 other bands there too, so lots of music.  If you’d like to come let me know and I’ll get you tickets.

As I shared in my last post, all my life being a Christian was about doing the right things, thinking the right things, beleiving the right things so God would accept me and not burn me.  Very often the last few months I have been scared to read the bible, becuase I fear that God-that God who wants to pound me, who wants me to be miserable.  I try to hold on to the hope that there is a God who loves me, a God wants to be and not just to do.  A God who wants to make me into a good tree that he created me to be, and not the God who demands that I do it all myself.  So I stayed away from scripture, because I feared it would destroy my hope. 

But when I finally had the courage to peak into scripture again and finally read it for me-and not just as a way to master the concept of God or to be able to explain things to other people-I finally was able to find grace for me in scripture, especially in a verse that seems far to scandalous, far to liberating, far too open ended to be found in the scripture to which I link the god I have grown to hate.

“It is for freedom that you have been made free!”

Are you kidding me-It’s for freedom.  Are you seriously telling me that when Jesus liberates me I’m not given the instructial manual on how to make God happy and hate me less.  You mean I’m not given the directions on how to have a good resume when I beg and plead for God not to let me burn.

“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.”

I thought that becoming a Christain meant that you were put under a list of regulations, that you were taught the way of sin managment.  That’s what my life has revolved around.  No wonder freedom never occurred to me, why the hell would it when all I was given was straight jacket so I could never possibly do anything wrong, so that I could never ever fail and thus face the fury of the most sadistic being I could ever conceive of.

And so now I fight to live in fullness.  I fight to live a life where I mess up, but where I at least live.  I fight to live in freedom.  And when I get sucked back into Christianity, I crawl and claw my way back to scripture where I read, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love…You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Being controlled by sin is no freedom at all, but neither is being controlled by the fear of losing God’s love-by being controlled by rule keeping perfectionism.  I want to live!  And living never is perfect, but it’s always beautiful.  I want to live, i want to live to the full, and when I feel the constraints of the straight jacket of christianity squeezing the life out of me, I find my breath in the story of God’s love for me, the God who wants me to be happy, the God who wants me to be free.

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here.  Quite a bit has been going on with me and in me.  This will probably come out very unorganized and babbling-like, but here is what has been going on with me.

Back in February, Irene and I went through something called Breakthrough-I guess it’s called a spiritual formation seminar, but that doesn’t sound jolting enough.  Breakthrough was an amazing transformation experience for Irene and I both.  In a way it was good and bad.  Breakthrough has helped me live above me defense mechanism, and above the shallow lies and above the controlled rituals that I had been taught was what I needed to be happy.  However, all those things that I was taught and picked up had become somewhat comfortable, so living real with myself is wonderful-and I would never go back to where I was before, but living real with myself is al challenging and risky, and it forces me to deal with hard truths.

Anyway, I sort of went to breakthrough as an act of desperation.  I had been at a point in my life where I felt hopelessly stuck in insanity and in nothing but status quo.  I had followed the rules of what people said I needed to do to be happy, like if you just read your Bible enough, and pray enough, do enough devotions, and if you do enough good things, then you will have peace with God and you will be happy.  But here’s the thing-I tried doing al those things-sometimes I did them well, other times I did not.  But even when I did them well I was not happy.  It really was the definition of insanity-doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In breakthrough and since then I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I learned that the God I tried to serve-or at least my perception of God, was very sadistic and cruel.  He never wanted me to be happy or succeed.  He only picked me up off the ground in order to trip me again.  I am learning to let go of this God, to let him die, and to draw close to the God who loves me, who knows I can’t be perfect and so sent his son to take care of it for me.  I am learning to trust this God, and not depend on my performance to secure my salvation.  I am learning to forget about my perfornance altogether and to just draw close to Father-the rest will come with time.

I also learned that I am very judgmental.  Actually, I feel like that what I was taugh it meant to be a Christian-you figure out what all the rules are, then you follow them, then you look down on everyone who doesn’t follow your lead.  But it’s not my place judge-it’s not my place to save.  I was told that I needed to judge the world-and that I needed to save those who did not stand up to my judgement.  Isn’t that trying to play God?  It is such a release to know that is not my responsibility.

I am learning that grace is an uncomfortable thing becuase we can’t package it, we can’t define it, we can’t say what its limits are, or who it will and will not extend to.  A lot of times we like to package grace and say you have to do this and this to get it, and if you do this and this you will lose it.  But grace is free-how can we obtain it, and how can we lose it?  How can we define it?  Yet I felt like I had to define it, because I felt like it was my responsibillity to find those who are outside of God’s grace and judge them, and then save them.  And I’ve found that it’s immensely difficult for me to want to save anyone I have judged.  If I judge them, I label them as bad, as evil, as ultimately disgusting, why would I want to save that.  But if I leave the judging to God and can see the truth that God is especially fond of each and every one of us.

So I am learnig a lot about myself, and I am trying to take the pressure off and just draw close to the Father in what ever way works for me.  Sometimes that means doing the “Christian thing” like going to church and reading the Bible-but often it does not.  It is difficult for me to go to church sometimes.  I want to, but so much of my struggle has come from the church.  So much of my struggle has come from formulated doctrines that really limit God, from people demanding that we all conform to each other, from a holiness message that many times ends up just being a nother way to make God happy with us.  But much of my joy has come from the church.  I guess it’s a love/hate relationship.  Forunatley I am part of a church who while not perfect, is the best expression of the kingdom of God that I have seen from a traditional local church.

So that’s some of what has been going on with me.  More later, maybe, we’ll see.

I heard a great but simple quote today-Grace is not just.

 As I was thinking about this, I realized how pertinent it is to the Kingdom of God, and to the issue of violence that I’ve been thinking through.  We often think about circumstances where violence might be a response we might have, and we ask-Where’s the justice?  So we respond and try to restore justice.  And this is a great motivation.  But we are called to live lives of undeserved love-of grace.  Grace is not just.  Perhaps sometimes we will allow ourselves to be acted upon in an unjust manner, because grace is not just.

 Grace is not just-Thank God for that!!!  If all we got was justice, none of us would stand a chance.  But by the grace of God we do stand a chance-because grace is not just.

I’ve been thinking and reading lately about violence, war, the Kingdom of God, etc, and the question I’ve been trying to work through is: Should Christians use violence, or does violence fit in the kingdom of God.  Here are some points from scripture that point me away from violence as a tool in the kingdom of God.

-In Matthew 5:38-48, Jesus tells his audeince that instead of following the rule of eye for eye and tooth for tooth, they should instead give up their right for personal justice by turning the other cheek, giving more than is demanded when someone tries to get something from you, and going the extra mile.  These are not ways of being passive, but are rather ways of standing up to injustice in a nonviolent manner.

 Also in the passage, Jesus tells his audience that they are not just to love their friends, but that they are to love their enemies as well, and pray for their enemies-because this is how God treats his enemies.

It seems clear to me that Jesus is teaching a nonviolent enemey love to his followers.  And it seems equaly clear that Jesus does not see this as some impossible ideal that we should just throw aside, because to conclude the sermon that these admontitions are contained in, he tells his audience that if they are wise they will put his teachings into practice.  Clearly Jesus intends for his teachings to be lived out.

 So a question is-How can we love our enemies if we are killing them?

-Several times in scripture we are told to return evil-not with evil-but with love.

-When asked if he was the king of the Jews, Jesus answered, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.” Jesus says that the difference between a world kingdom and His kingdom is that in Jesus’ kingdom his followers do not use violence to achieve victory or fight for each other.

-There is a tremendous contrast between the Roman Empire and Jesus ‘ Kingdom.  Many of the words that are used in Jesus kingdom are also used in the Roman empire-but to achieve different ends. 

Like Son of God-The Son of God was more than just Jesus’ title, it was a politcal title as well.  Caesar Augustus was claimed to be the son of god because of his peace achieved through military victories.

Faith-For the romans, faith was what the Roman people put into the Roman Empire-they had faith in the Pax Romana-or the peace of Rome, a peace that was brought through violence and military might.

Ekkesia-Greek for church-was also a word used for a Roman province that gave allegiance and worshiped Caesar.

Gospel or Good News-The Romans used this term to refer to an heir being born or that a battle had been won.

 Also, the procession that was used to inaugurate a new Caesar-Mark uses this same format in his Gospel to tell the story of Jesus cricifixion.  Caesar is being announced as the triumphant Lord-Jesus the suffering servant Lord.

-In Jesus temptation, Jesus overcomes temptation to use power and might to establish his kingdom.

-In the Garden, Jesus resists the temptation to overcome his victories though military might.

-The Epistles point to Jesus death on the cross not only as our means of salvation, but also as an example to be followed.  Peter says in chapter 3 of 1 Peter, 21To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.
 22“He committed no sin,
      and no deceit was found in his mouth.”^[e] 23When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. 24He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 25For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.”

Here Peter talks about Jesus suffering and death both as the source of our salvation and as an example to be followed.

In Phil 2 Paul tells us that we are to have the same attitude as Christ who “being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 7but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 8And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!”

However, the real issue is bigger than violence-it’s that as Christains we are called to love, to love sacrificially, even our enemies.

We often talk about how as Christians our calling is different from the world, and how we are to live differently than the world-such as the way we live sexually(don’t fool around on your spouse, no sex outside of marriage), the way we handle our money(give 10% to church, be generous, don’t live on more than you make), the way we treat our body (eat helthy, don’t ravage your body with drugs or alcohol abuse).  However, another big way we are to be different is by our love-a kind of love that would love even our enemies, even if they are hurting us (which they did to Jesus) or when they are hurting our friends (which happened to Peter, he tried to defend Jesus but was commanded to drop his weapon).  We want peace and justice, but we are also called to love others so much that we do not forsake them in the process of making peace.

 And the issue is-by  getting involved in war, by taking out enemies in our lives, by supporting something that oppresses or kills other people, by uniting the empire and the church so much that we become a fan of any war that our country champions-by doing these things, are we as the church destroying one of the very things that makes us so different from the way the rest of the world lives. 

Of course some violence seems more permissable, such as cops restraining people, but how much can violence be a part of our lives and still say that we are loving people as Jesus would love-a self sacrificing love.

The state is going to be the state, the issue here is not whether states should go to war, the issue is what should the church do?  Should we be saying that we will not afflict violence on another person?  Why? Because we are part of another kingdom.

I recently read a quote from a guy named George Zebelka.  Zabelka was the Catholic chaplain who administered mass to the bombers who dropped the atomic bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.  He later came to repent of not speaking up about the bombing of civilians.  Having been thinkig about the topic of violence lately, this quote seems fitting. Here is his quote:

 ”To fail to speak to the utter moral corruption of the mass destruction of civilians was to fail as a Christain and as a priest as I see it…I was there, and I’ll tell you that the operational moral atmosphere in the church in relation to mass bombing of enemy civilians was totally indifferent, silent, and corrupt at best-at worst it was religously supportive of these activities by blessing those who did them…Catholics dropped the A-bomb on top of the largest and first Catholic city in Japan.  One would have thought that I, as a Catholic priest, would have spoken out against the atomic bombings of nuns.  (Three orders of Catholic sisters were destroyed in Nagasaki that day.)  One would have thought that I would have suggested that as a minimal standard of Catholic morality, Catholics shouldn’t bomb catholic children.  I didn’t.  I, like the Catholic pilot of the Nagasaki plane, “The Great Artiste,” was heir to a Christianity that had for seventeen hundred years engaged in revenge, murder, toruture, the pursuit of power, and perogative violence, all in the name of the Lord.

 I walked through the ruins of Nagasaki right after the war and visited the place where once stood the Irakami Cathedral.  I picked up a piece of censer from the rubble.  When I look at it today I pray God forgives us for how we have distorted Christ’s teachings and destroyed his world by the dostortion of that teaching.  I was the Catholic chaplain who was there when this grotesque process that began with Costantine reached its lowest point-so far.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about violence, war and peace a lot lately, and blogging and talking about it. It has been helpful to think through some things. Here is where I think I’m at right now.

The Ultimate goal-

To me when talking about war and violence and whether it is good or bad, I think we need to establish what our ultimate goal is-and I think that our ultimate goal should be reconciliation. I think this is a central part of the gospel-that through the gospel all peoples can be reconciled, and that following Christ means not just loving our friends and eliminating our enemies-but even loving our enemies. So I think a key question that needs to be asked is: Does violence result in reconciliation? It may be possible, but I don’t think that violence is made for that purpose. I’ll get to this more in a second.

Violence:

It’s been difficult to form what I think about this, but I think right now I would say that volence is never good-whether or not it is a necesary evil at times is something that I don’t know if I’ll be able to resolve. However, it is not good, and should be avoided as much as possible. One problem with our culture is that we seem to see violence as the ultimate and best solution-we’d rather dominate others than be taken advantage of. This is perfectly understandable from a worldly perspective-however I think that part of Christ’s message is considering other betters than yourself, being willing to sacrifice-and Paul talks about being willing to be taken advantage of rather than hindering the Gospel by only being concerned about ourselves.

Domination:

This is becoming a more important word for me with this issue. I said earlier that I don’t think violence leads to reconciliation-and part of the reason is that most of the time violence is a vehicle for domination. Domination destroys unity, it destroys the prospect of reconciliation. Instead it alienates people from each other-the powerful from the powerless, the rich from the poor. And I think that wherever violence may be necessary, it must not be used as a means to dominate. I would not have such a problem with the war in Iraq, or with our foreign policy, or the American gov in general if it did not seem that our gov is using its power to dominate.

I listened to this song today by Teddy Geiger.  I’ve heard it before, but it really struck me today.

 You love to run
Into the arms of anyone
Take off your shoes and socks and stay awhile

CAUSE LOVE IS A MARATHON
THAT’S WHY YOU GET TIRED SO FAST OF EVERYONE
SLOW DOWN AND PACE YOURSELF
‘CAUSE WHEN IT’S GOOD
ITS A LONG OPEN ROAD

So I haven’t posted in a while, so here’s some of the things I’ve been thinking about the past few months.

I’ve been reading about stuff that our government had done around the world, or that big corporations have done around the world.  Stuff like convincing other countries to take out huge loans by telling them that their economy will boom, all the while knowing that their country will be buried under debt and that that debt will ultimately benefit big corporations.  Stuff like America overthrowing governments so that we can have access to their resources.  I could go on and one about this, but the basics is that America is oppressing other countries, and our own system is oppressing our own country.

There’s a couple reasons why I’ve been thinking about this so much.  But before I say that, I first want to say that not everything that is wrong with the world is America’s fault.  While I do think that America is becoming and has become an empire trying to keep it place in the food chain through whatever means, there are other problems in the world caused by other governments.  Secondly, America does some good in the world, but unfortunately much of this good is being defeated by some of the bad things.  For example, while America and other more industrialized countries send devoloping countries aid, the developing countries have to pay back even more in debt repayment-much of which was caused by America or corporations who were aided by America.  Thirdly, I don’t want to paint America as some irreconcibly evil nation and all developing coutries as sinless angels.  I think a Christian perspective  says that poor oppressed people are just as corruptible as rich oppressing people.  And throughout history the oppressed people who have overthrown their oppressors have typically become oppressors themselves.

That being said…

I believe that the Gospel is about living in the kingdom of God here and now.  I beleive that part of this is dealing with social justice issues-things like world poverty, homelessness, hunger, medical care, etc.  I think we need to do two things with social justice issues.  First, we need to meet the needs of the people who are suffering.  Feed the hungry, empower the impoverished, care for the sick, etc.  However, another thing I think we need to do is to address the reason of why these issues exist-what is causing poverty, hunger, etc.

However, it is most disheartening to learn that many of the reasons people are impoverished and starving in developing countries are caused by our own government.   And it is overwhelming to realize how big a force it is.  The powers that be are oppressing the world-and they are our powers.  So what do we do about it.

This is my biggest struggle right now.  The temptation is to find a solution that involves overpowering others.  However, though this may seem like the most logical solution, I don’t think it is the right one.  One reason is that Jesus chose not to conquer by power, though he had legions of angels at his command.  Another reason is that powers over turning powers has been a sickening cycle throughout history, and it is even more sickening that we still believe in this system.

However, we have problems in our own country as well.  Our country is being oppressed too, but by internal matters.  We are being oppressed by the way we worship capitalism as God.  Whenever capitalism is challenged and charged as failing to be the salvation of the economic world we cry “Communist,” which is the American economic term for “Heretic.”  But in this country the gap between the rich and the poor is growing wider and wider, and it is only being fueled by our system.  Capitalism is not all bad, but the unrestained idol form of capitalism that we worship in this country is killing us.  It tells us that the billionaire CEO’s earn their money and deserve to do whatever they want to do with it, while the lower working class doesn’t work hard enough and deserves to be at poverty level.  It’s sick, it’s absolutely sick.  No one who works should go hungry while others who work have billions to spare.  I don’t think everyone getting paid exactly the same is necesary, but I think that there does need to be a maximum wag.

Our country is oppressed by the notion that we can establish peace through arms.  The amount of money spent on weopons in this country is astounding, and even more so when we sell much of the weapons to other governments, some of which our own government has warned are unstable.  Even during the arms race with the Soviet Union, when we had enough weapons to blow up the earth, we didn’t stop there, we kept building.  It’s insane, it’s irrational, and it’s killing us.

A lot of rambling here.